


The awkward adventures of BatTimmy and HammeRobin

by Anna_Charmie



Series: The Charmie Decameron [1]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:01:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27514246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna_Charmie/pseuds/Anna_Charmie
Summary: The Superheroes we need, but we don't deserve. Basically a bunch of silliness, sorry about that.
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Series: The Charmie Decameron [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010889
Comments: 36
Kudos: 31





	1. On Air!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! That's my first attempt to writing a fanfiction about our beloved boys, and english is not my first language, so... be kind with me. Just like the original “Decameron”, this will be a collection of ten stories, some will be funny, some will be a little darker. I hope you'll like them! The main subject will be, of course, LOVE and our magic duo will be living adventures in different times and universes. The world is on the upside-down right now, so we all need some love in our lives.

_New York, present times. In a city corrupt by dirty money, bad politics and greedy villains, there are two super heroes who made the vow to protect the people: BatHammer and his loyal partner, RobinTimmy._

_**nanananananana... BatHammeeeer!** (main theme playing)_

-sound of someone coughing, trying to catch the Author attention-

“Uhm... hi! I beg your pardon, Madam? May I have a word?”

Author: “Yes? Who's there? Please be quick, the episode of BatHammer is starting!”

“It's me, Timmy. Timothee? Chalamet? The one supposed to play Robin?”

Author: “Oh, hi pretty boy! What can I do for you?”

Timmy: “I wish to ask you for a little favor, if it'd be possible”

A: “Sure, tell me everything”

T: “Well, uhm... I want to be Batman!”

A: “What?? Why? This was not expected. I'm confused... you are perfect for Robin!”

T: “Why? Just because I'm slender and pale and I have a huge _bottom power_ aura?”

A: “Yes. That's exactly why. But thank you for trying. It's nice that you have big ambitions, boy! Keep going!”

_**nanananananana... BatHammeeeer!** _

T: “No!! No no no, wait, please”

A: “What now??”

T: “Seriously, I think I could be a very convincing Batman. I mean, if even Pattinson can...”

A: “Ehi!! Don't throw shit on Rob! He is the most talented actor of his generation!”

T: “He is whaaaaat?? No, that's ME, Madam. **I** am the most talented actor of my generation, _s'il vous plait._ ”

A: “Says who??”

T: “Everyone. People on Instagram. My manager. My grandma.”

A: “Oh well, in this case... NO. Now stop whining and go fit into the costume”

T: “Wait! Let's ask Armie and see what he thinks about it”

A: “Ok, right. Armie? Oh there you are, good. Your annoying colleague here asks if he can... wait, is that a JOINT?? Armie?!?”

Armie, sprawled on a chaise-long, smoking pot and drinking cheap beer, clearly not giving a foock about the show: “Yeah, I'm ok with that... give the kido his five minutes in the spotlight!!”

T: “Thank you, man. Love you, maaan!”

Author, facepalming: “Alright then!! There's the Batman costume, go fit into it. Please”

T: “Is this a Gucci? Prada? Stella?”

A: “Primark, from the kids aisle, 16 euro tights included. Sorry boy. Recession, we are on a budget”

T: “Seriously??? I'm a fashion icon, Madam! I deserve something better. I just went through the worst year of my life!”

A: “As anyone else. Now get out of my way or you'll end up playing Penguin”

T: “Wow, rude!”

A: “Really? You want to see real rudeness? Ehi, Timmy, look: paparazzi! Quick, take off your pants and do something embarassing!!”

T (after a few seconds of shock): “Wha--?? You are... you are... a very bad person!!”

A: “Thank you, I'm aware of it”

T: “And a bully!”

A: “Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?”

T: “And you are the worst author in this fandom!”

A: “Yeah, tell me something I don't know...”

\-----

_New York, present times. In a city corrupt by dirty money, bad politics and greedy villains, there are two super heroes who made the vow to protect the people: BatTimmy and his loyal partner, HammeRobin._

_**nanananananana... BatTimmyyyy!** (main theme playing)_

_Starring:_

_Timothee Chalamet as BatTimmy_

_Armie Hammer as HammeRobin_

_Florence Pugh as BatFlorence_

_Pete Davidson as The Poker_

_Special guests: Ariana Grande and Lily-Rose Depp as themselves_

_**\-----** _

It's late night in NYC, the streets are empty and silent and our beloved heroes have been called for a mission: BatTimmy's mortal enemy, _The Poker,_ is back in town and is looking for revenge!

HammeRobin exits the Bat-cave in his shiny red and yellow costume.

_(applause in the background)_

HR: “Yeah, speaking of the costume: this one is very tight, like, _really_ tight... it's kinda awkward and I feel naked”

Author (whispering): “Of course it is, it had been designed for Mr Humble over there, but since you switched your roles... now cope with it and go ahead with the show, you both!”

BatTimmy makes his entrance. He looks at his partner from head to toe and whistles.

HR: “Please don't”

BT: “What? You're hot, dude. I mean... _no homo_ of course”

HR: “Clearly”

BT: “We are just friends”

HR: “Totally”

BT: “Just lads being pals”

HR: “Absolutely”

BT: “Just two straight super heroes, wearing tight tights and saving the world together, living in the same house, sharing the bed because there is only one bedroom and...”

HR: “Please, stop. They got it.”

BT: “Quick, let's take the Bat-mobile and search the streets of NY to find my nemesis!”

The two heroes get into the car, HammeRobin in the driving seat. But what is happening? Something wrong! Looks like the Bat-mobile has having trouble starting the engines.

_(public gasping in the background)_

BT: “Did you get gas last time we used the car?”

HR: “Uhm... I'm not sure I did. Sorry”

BT, quite pissed off: “Seriously, Armie?? You only have one job: look after the damn car!”

BatTimmy shakes his head in frustration and snorts.

HR, on the verge of tears: “Ehi, I'm trying my best here! Don't scold me. I just went through a rough divorce. I'm very vulnerable right now and sometimes I forget things, okay?”

Seeing the sadness in his partner's eyes, BatTimmy quickly regrets his outburst and cups Armie's cheek with his palm, reaching out, their shoulders touching.

BT: “Ehi, I know, babe. I'm sorry. Come here...”

Their foreheads are almost touching when a female, annoyed voice comes from the backseats of the car.

“Guys, seriously??? Ewww!”

It's BatFlorence!! Our favorite female hero!

_(applause and cheering in the background)_

BatTimmy and HammeRobin awkwardly try to compose themselves, now that they know they're not alone in the car.

BT: “What are you doing in here, Flo?”

BF: “I got evicted. I sleep here now. It's a long story, nobody cares.” She wrinkles her nose and shake her head. “We should take an Uber, guys”

It's quite a good idea, so our amazing super heroes call an Uber and go for a ride through the city centre. The driver turns out to be a big fan of the three and asking a lot of questions:

“Are you guys vegetarian? My wife is vegetarian, she drives me crazy. Do you have like a special washing machine to wash your costumes? And who is your accountant? My son is an accountant, just graduated, maybe he can help you with your tax claims!”

HR: “We're fine, thanks” says Armie, visibly annoyed.

BF: “Ehi, don't be rude! Here our business card, Sir.” Flo gives the man a little card with their names and telephone numbers, smiling “Is your son single, by any chance?”

BatTimmy and HammeRobin roll their eyes at the same time. Flo makes sure to point her name and number on the card for the man to see.

“So is Florence your name, Miss?” the driver asks “I was sure it was your surname”

BF: “Oh no, is my first name. Well, since my surname is Pugh, you know... choose that as my hero name after _Bat_ it would have sounded awkward... you know, it sounded like...” she looks down, embarrassed, blushing.

The driver takes the hint after a few seconds and laughs. Armie takes a minute to get it, but then he laughs the hell out of his lungs. BatTimmy looks confused.

BT: “Sounds like _what_?? Ehi guys, explain it to me, please!!” he whines like a spoiled child.

BF: “Really, don't you get it? And yet it should be something you are _very_ into!”

Armie and the driver almost piss themselves. BatTimmy groans in frustration.

They arrive in a small square and are quite shocked to see their old enemy waiting for them, ready to battle.

_To be continued..._


	2. Friends over chicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of The awkward adventures of BatTimmy and HammeRobin. Sorry about that, too.

The Poker is a tall, thin guy with sharp eyes and a very scary attitude. His face is painted like a sad clown: red lips, black tears running on both his cheeks over a white mask of pure terror. Definitely scary.

“Wow, he is really scary!” BatFlo whispers from the backseat of the Uber.

“Yeah, the author has already pointed out how scary he is” says HammeRobin, quite bored, sit next to her.

“Can you stop saying that word, for foock sake!!” BatTimmy screams, voice high pitched. He looks nervous, fiddling with his seat belt on the passenger seat.

HR: “Which word?”

BF: “I think he means _scary_ ”

HR: “Are you scared?”

BF: “Yeah, you look scared, Tim”

HR: “Why are you so scared? What did you do to this guy to piss him off like that?”

BT: “I literally have no idea. Now STOP. SAY. THAT. WORD.”

They exit the car: the square is empty, it's a cold, foggy night, noise of traffic far away.

“Hello, BatTimmy. We meet again, finally” the Poker hisses, rage in his voice.

BT: “Hello, Poker. I'm here to keep the law and safety in those streets! Be prepared to go back to jail”

BatTimmy takes a step forward, his eyes shining with self confidence and pride, ready to fight... when an invisible gravitational force brings him back suddently, making him falling backward and crashing his little ass on the floor.

BT: “Ouch!”

HR: “Omg are you ok baby... I mean, Timmy?”

P: “Wooo bro, WTF?? Are you ok??”

BatTimmy rises on his feet and realise that his cloak got stuck into the car door when he closed it. Thank God the driver didn't start the car or this would have been even more embarassing.

BT: “Yeah, yeah, I'm fine” he mumbles, scratching his souring bottom. “Nice make-up, by the way” he says to the Poker.

P: “You look ridiculous in this costume, bro, seriously” he tries to hide the laugh with his hand on his mouth.

BT: “My mom says I'm perfect”, he pouts, arms crossed on his chest.

P: “Yeah, she said the same thing to me last night” he smirks.

BT: “I beg your pardon??” Timmy raises his eyebrows “This wasn't into the script, idiot” he whispers close to the Poker ear and slaps his shoulder.

BF: “It's 2020, dude, you can't say shit like this”

HR: “Really, man, this kind of joke is not funny anymore since 1997. Get a grip”

P: “Wooo, sorry! WTF... anyway, BatTimmy, I'm here to kill you, bro, sorry” he shrugs.

BatTimmy is confused. “Why?? I don't even know what I did to you”

P: “Don't you remember last year, at Kanye's birthday party? We were stoned and I went to the bathroom to puke and when I came back you were on the couch, literally digging into my girlfriend's throat with your tongue!!! You broke my heart, bro!”

Now is HammeRobin's time to be confused.

HR: “I'm sorry... what??” he looks at Timmy and raises his hands, clearly in distress.

BT: “I actually, honestly, really DO NOT remember this happening, and anyway, Armie, we were on a break!!” he screams, voice pitched so high he makes all the dogs of the neighborhood bark at the same time.

“Did he just quote _Friends_?” the Poker asks BatFlorence.

She shrugs. “Yeah, we're rewatching it now. Great show, seriously”

P: “That's copyright infringement, dude”

BF: “I'm a girl, wanker”

BT: “Can you two just shut the foock up???” Timmy shouts, trying to keep control over this weird situation. “I swear I don't remember kissing your girlfriend, bro, I was high like the Empire State Building that night, I could have made out with a goat and don't realize it!”

HR: “Oh, amazing, so I was home crying and pining over you and you were to a party, making out with some anonymous girl”

P: “Anonymous? Bro, do you even know who my girlfriend was?” the Poker asks, with a proud smirk on his face.

In that moment, they hear the pawing of a horse galloping towards the square and getting closer and closer, until a beautiful winged unicorn appears in front of them.

“Were you talking about me, oh you poor, simple folks?” a beautiful goddes with a high ponytail jumps off of the unicorn.

It's Ariana! It's really her!

_(applause and cheering in the background)_

BT: “Please, Ary, tell everyone we never made out”

A: “I can't, because we did” she shrugs “And you even told me that was the best session of making out you ever had!”

“ _Excusez-moi?!?_ ” someone yells from behind them, and when they turn around, a blonde girl is marching towards them with a furious attitude.

BT: “Lily? How the hell did you get here so fast?”

It's Lily-Rose, and she looks on the verge of a war!

_(public cheering and whistling in the background)_

She points at a balcony not so far. “I live there, third floor. I was minding my own business, buying shit on _Wish_ when I heard this _parvenue_ saying that she was your best making out. You said the same thing to me!!” she cries out.

HR: “Yeah, you said the same to me too, Timmy” HammeRobin crosses his arms over his chest and the three of them wait for an explanation.

Timmy (looking straight into the camera): “You really hate me, author”

Author: “Aww, poor puppy! I'll give you and Armie some fluffy time in the next story, I promise”

T (rolling his eyes): “Fine!”

BatTimmy turns towards his three accusers (in the meantime, the Poker and BatFlo have started a very passionate chess match and they seriously don't give the slightest foock about what's happening).

BT: “I'm sorry, I'm just a young man, I'm experiencing and sometimes I say stupid things, ok?”

A: “You said you loved me!”

L: “You said it to me too!!”

HR: “Me three”

BT: “Shit. I say like a lot of stupid things, then. Uhm... sorry?” he shrugs.

A: “And at some point you started speaking a weird language”

BT: “It was French. I always speak French when I'm stoned”

A: “Oh, really? I thought you had a peanut stuck in your throath. So weird”

L: “Yeah, he always spoke French to me when we were cuddling, but it made sense with me because I'm half French, too”

Suddently Ariana turns to Lily: “Omg, really??” she squeaks, a hand on her heart “You know, as soon as I saw you I thought: that girl is soooo elegant and classy, she must definitely be French”

Lily beams “Omg thank you! You're so cute”

A: “No, you are!”

L: “No, you are!”

HammeRobin takes advantage of the pause to install Grindr on his phone and makes sure Timmy clearly sees his screen while he does it. Sweet, sweet revenge...

Ariana: “You are the cutest and I toootally love your sweater, you must tell me where you bought it”

Lily: “On this website, look, I'll show you” she takes her phone and the two girls walk away together, arm in arm. “Sorry if I called you _parvenue,_ by the way”

Ariana shrugs: “It's ok, I don't speak Italian”

Timmy watches the odd pair walk away and breathes a sigh of relief, relaxing his shoulders. Someone pats his back sympathetically: it's BatFlorence.

BF: “Don't be sad, at least they're not angry at you anymore”

BT: “I know. I was just starting hoping in a threesome”

BF: “Pig”

The Poker comes to say goodbye, since there is no reason to fight anymore.

P: “Well, I think you had enough shit on you tonight, BatTimmy, so I guess we are even now”

HR: “What will you do from tomorrow?”

P: “Oh I have a tour of shows off-Broadway starting in a week! There, take some free tickets to come and see me” he sais, full of pride, handing the tickets to the three heroes.

A young female voice enters the scene: “Tim? Timmy? Oh there you are, lil' bro” a pretty girl with brown hair and a shiny smile hugs BatTimmy and gives him a Tupperware pot “Sorry if I'm bothering you while you're working, but grandma sent you this, you know how she is, always worrying you don't eat enough!”

The Poker looks the girl from head to toe and asks: “Who is this beautiful young lady?”

Timmy introduces them: “She's my sister, Pauline. Pau, this is the Poker. We are kinda nemesis... or we were... I don't know” he shrugs, surrendering to the fact that his life is simply irrational.

P: “Oh, _mademoiselle_ Pauline, can I buy you a drink?”

“Of course, _monsieur_ ” she says, and the two of them walk away towards the street lights.

HammeRobin puts his arm around BatTimmy's shoulders: “Let's go home, has been a long day”

\-----

That night, in bed, Armie gives Timmy the best making out session of his life (for real this time). Suddently, Timmy interrupts the kissing and squeaks: “Butt plug!!”

Armie smirks sensually: “Yeah, if you want...”

T: “No! I mean, yes, but I just got the joke about Flo's surname! It's butt plug, isn't it? The reason she couldn't choose her surname as hero name, because it would have sounded as butt plug! Omg this is sooo hilarious!!” Timmy laughs so hard he almost rolls out of the bed.

“Baby, it has stopped being funny like, seven hours ago” Armie sais, smiling fondly while watching Timmy laughing with both his hands on his belly, happy and free.

_And in that moment, Armie feels blessed, wondering how he got so lucky to have such a miracle storming in his life one day and never leaving him since then. He feels blessed because Timmy is there, with him, in his arms._

_His Timmy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this nonsense I wrote!! I promise, none of the actors were mistreated during this story (ok, only Timmy, just a tiny bit, sorry about that, pretty boy).  
> Ps: just to be clear, Timmy and Ariana never made out.  
> Yet.


End file.
